Saturday, April 18, 2009

Shell Girl and the Black Storm

Once upon a time there was a girl who lived in a shell. She was small and light and she had a voice that sounded like the breeze. The shell was warm and smooth, and lay day after day on the sandy beach of the Seneca Bay. When night came and the seagulls slept, the song of the sea harmonized with the girl's sleeping breath, and even Poseidon was lulled. Truly a beautiful sound, the shell projected her voice for miles in every direction. It was even heard on the 12 islands of Tanuket, a cluster of small islands that used to be one many years ago, before the sea welcomed the Black Storm.

The Black Storm had changed many things in Seneca Bay, but the most dramatic change was the sky. Torn in peices, it hung like shrouds and even dipped into the sea when the wind stopped blowing them to and fro.

It was during the Black Storm that the girl climbed inside the shell, for she had to find shelter or she would have blown away like the rest of the light things on the beach. The shell was small but heavy, and it was lodged in the sand where a man had once built a platform for selling goods during the summer months. The top of the platform sheltered the shell and kept the wind from blowing it away.

Every now and then, the girl would crawl out of the shell to find food and drink, but always to the shell she returned when she felt the first hint of a breeze. The Black Storm had not left room for peace of mind, and the sky was a constant reminder of that.

She often wondered where her loved ones had blown away to, and thought many times that they might be on one of the 12 islands, but she dared not to enter the sea to travel there, for she was too scared to swim and she did not have a boat. So instead she sang inside her shell, hoping the sound of her voice would carry far enough for them to hear.

All around Seneca Bay, the Heavy Ones listened in wonder when she sang. These Heavy Ones had made themselves heavy by eating rocks, for they were afraid of being swept up in the next big storm. They were not used to hearing such a light sound, and their heavy ears and heavy hearts would delight in it. So that they would not loose it to the wind, they caught the songs in metal boxes and buried them in the sand, far from the threat of a returning storm. They did this with every light thing left on the island, and they took comfort in knowing that their heavy bodies sat above everything light, keeping it all safe and protected.

However, several of the Heavy Ones did not like this idea. They argued that keeping everything light beneath the ground no longer made it light- that once these objects, sounds, sights, and feelings were inside metal boxes and buried in the earth, they became heavy just like everything else. They longed to dig up the light things, and they longed to hear the songs above ground, in the freedom of the air. When these Heavy Ones vioced their opinions, the other Heavy Ones, who called themselves the Protectors, would point to the sky and say, "Do you not remember the Black Storm? Do you not remember what happened to everything light and good on this land?"

In reply, the Heavy Ones who disagreed, who called themselves the Trusters, said that there was no proof that anything light had disappeared, but rather that they had blown to a new location. Further, they argued, how could one deny the presence of a light thing when they heard the songs? Surely this must come from something light, and surely they would find this thing and bring it back as proof.

So for days the Trusters waited for a song, and finally one began to swell up from the shell float across the breeze to the Heavy Ones. The Trusters began their journey at once and found nothing but a heavy shell. Upset that they had only found something heavy, they picked it up and threw it into the water, where it sank to the bottom.

Standing on the platform, a Truster began to remember a man who used to sell goods during the summer months. He sold kites and trinkets and nets for fishing. The kites and trinkets had blown away during the black storm, but the nets were strewn all over the beach. This truster had a sudden realization which brought joy to his heart. They did not blow away because they had holes! They did not blow away because they did not resist the wind! They allowed for it, and they were spared!

As this Truster was relaying his epiphany to the others, the girl was struggling at the bottom of the sea to free herself from inside the heavy shell. She began to realize that the protection the shell had provided had become a trap, and she vowed to never hide inside anything heavy ever again if she broke free. She thought about all the time she had wasted in the shell, and all of the life she had not lived for fear of another storm. She thougth of her friends and family who disapeared in the storm, and she remembered that they all reacted differently. Some were fighting the wind- flailing thier arms and legs and screaming for help. Others were bewildered and seemed in shock. But the ones that she remembered most were the peaceful ones- the ones who seemed to almost comply with the wind by puffing out thier shirts like kites and manuevering this way and that when able. While she fought inside her heavy shell, she remembered those peaceful ones, and she began to understand them. She let out one last long sigh, and it was heard by the Trusters, and they realized what they had done.

The Trusters returned to the Protectors with nets in hand and a truth on their lips. Light things are spared in storms when they allow the wind to blow through them. They blow away when they don't. But even when they blow away, they can end up on beautiful islands. It is only when they try to avoid the storm that they end up at the bottom of the sea.

Years went by, and most of the Heavy Ones got lighter and lighter, for they stopped eating rocks and started to dig up the metal boxes and set every light thing free. There were those who were still afraid of being light, so they ate rocks and sat all day in thier heaviness. One day the sky turned black and the winds began to blow. The heavy ones sat down in preparation and told the light ones that their day had finally come. But just as the winds carried the light ones up to the sky, the ground broke into islands and the heavy ones sank into the sea. The light ones grabbed onto the shrouds of the sky and make their way to safety on beautiful islands, where they met other light ones and, eventually, other storms.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Bedtime story.

Once upon a time there was a tiny tree nymph who was thin and as floppy as a stretched out piece of chewing gum. She dreamed of someday living in a tree, but she was too weak to even sit up, let alone climb, and she felt destined to stick to the ground forever.

One day a leopard ran through the jungle, with one tail acting as a fourth leg, and black spots on his coat that were really holes. He saw the nymph on the ground and knew that she did not belong there. He found her to be beautiful and wanted to be friends with her forever in the jungle.

"I see you on the ground, and I feel that you must need a helping hand," said the leopard.

"Oh, yes! I am very grateful for your kind concern. I do in fact need to find a way to be on my feet, but it seems that I was stretched at some time, and I am very weak and quite flimsy. I desire to live in a tree, but I fear I will never climb!"

"Well," replied the leopard, "I am strong and stable, as you can see. I have four legs and am solid to the core. Let me lift you and I will put you on my back. I can climb the tree and we will live there and be friends in the jungle forever."

The nymph thought a moment and saw that this might be good, but wondered at the possibility of never being able to do this thing on her own.

"No," decided nymph. "I would rather learn to climb on my own. Besides, it would be a burden if you had to carry me around. And I would grow weak and never learn to be a grown nymph or to climb a tree, where I belong. But I, too, would like to be friends forever in the jungle!"

"I will teach you," said leopard. "I will show you how I use my four legs and I will show you how I stay so solid. Soon you will walk beside me and we will both climb and be friends forever in the jungle."

At this, nymph decided to crawl and flop, crawl and flop onto leopard's back. She inched her way to the top and saw the sky for the first time. Leopard began to run and she felt the wind and she was happy. He began to jump and she heard the distance of the ground and smiled and laughed. She felt big. She felt fast. She was moving through the air.

She heard a buzz as a fly approached her. She was just thinking how exciting it was to finally be close to a flying creature, when leopard's tail flew up and swatted the fly from view. A feeling of unbalance came over nymph, and she realized that the leopard had only three legs. She felt scared and asked the leopard, "Why do you fake like you have four legs? "

Leopard growled and and said he was fine. He had four legs and she must be mistaken.

Again the balance was restored and the wind calmed her nerves. She felt big. She felt fast. She was moving through the air.

The day was slipping away, and the moon was full in the sky. Lightening bugs of every size and shape appeared to nymph's delight. She flopped on her back and saw one land by her foot. Leopard's tail flew up and abruptly squashed the bug, spilling the glow all over his own back. Balance was lost, and nymph again became aware that Leopard had only three legs.

"Leopard, why do you hide from me that you only have three legs? We are friends and you know that I have my weaknesses also. Why not share with me and be friends forever in the jungle?"

"I have three legs, is what you say. I guess I might. I make do with my tail, and that's what you should know. You are safe now."

With this, he continued running through the jungle. Nymph felt the wind and was happy. She felt big. She felt fast. She was moving through the air.

Nymph flopped back over onto her stomach and noticed the leopard's spots. The glow from the squished bug lit them up and revealed that they were hollow.

"Leopard, why did you say you were solid? I am weak and stretched and do not move about like I should. I know how to be your friend in weakness, and wish to be friends with you forever in the jungle. You have holes and I am laying on your back. Let me fill them, for I might fall into one and it will be dark."

"Nymph, you do not see right. I have spots. I am solid. You are safe and we will be friends forever in the Jungle."

Leopard jumped and trotted and ran, and Nymph felt the wind and was happy. She felt big. She felt fast. She was moving through the air.

And then she fell into a spot, and it was dark.

"Leopard! Leopard! I am scared! I have fallen into one of your spots that you said was solid! I am weak and I am floppy and I can not pull myself out!"

"Nymph! I am sorry! That was a lie I told you! Yes, I have holes. I am not solid and I do not have four legs. But I am running through the jungle and we will now be friends forever!"

But Nymph did not feel the wind and was sad. She felt small. She felt scared. She felt alone.

"Leopard! Leopard! Please let me out! I am scared and it is dark and I must find the sky again!"

"I cannot make myself solid, and I do not have four legs. I can not pull you out and I wish to be friends forever in the jungle."

Nymph considered this thing. She looked around and flopped on her back. It was true that she had a small view of the sky. It was true that she could still feel that she was moving. It was true that the ground was still far away. She could stay here. She could stay here forever.

But she still could not climb, and she would never live in a tree where she belonged. Besides, she could not see leopard's face and this made her sad and lonely. She did not feel that they could be friends this way.

She flopped and flopped and twisted and turned. She moved and stretched and finally....

she sat up.

She flopped and flopped and twisted and turned. She moved and stretched and finally...

she stood up.

She flopped and flopped and twisted and turned. She moved and stretched and finally...

she pulled herself out of the spot.

Leopard felt this and he was quite sad.

"Nymph, why are you leaving my spot? I though we would be friends in the jungle forever!"

"Leopard, I do not want to live inside your spot. I want to learn to climb and live in a tree where I belong. Can we do this together like you have promised, and be friends forever in the jungle?"

"I do not like you to see that I have 3 legs. I do not like you to know that I am not solid. I will not fill my spots to make them solid and I will not walk on three legs."

It got cold and the wind blew through the jungle fiercely. Leopard was cold and could not keep warm.

"Leopard, it is your holes, which you call spots, that are making it hard for you to stay warm. You need to fill your spots to keep the wind from blowing through you!"

"I am not cold. I will fill my spots when you come back inside. Don't you remember that you filled my spots? I would not be so cold if you did not leave."

"No, leopard, no. I will not go back. I like to walk beside you and I want to be out in the open to feel the wind on my face. You can be warm if you just fill your spots."

And this went on and on, and leopard and nymph both got angry.

Frustrated, nymph, to her own surprise, found the strength to climb a tree. She climbed to the top and felt the wind on her face and was happy. She remembered the leopard and all that he had done for her, and how she felt the wind the first time when she was on his back.

"Leopard, come up here. The sky is beautiful and I want to be friends in the jungle forever."

"I cannot. I have three legs, and I cannot climb. Besides, I am cold and I need to rest to get warm."

"Fill your spots, leopard! If you do this you will be warm. And I am strong now, I can help you up the tree. You will feel the wind on your face and be happy, not cold!"

"I will not do this, nymph. I want to be in the tree, but I don't want to be cold when the wind blows up there. Just come down and get in my spot and you can keep me warm and we will be friends forever in the jungle."

Nymph began to climb down, because she loved leopard. She wondered if being inside leopard's spot would be better than being in the tree where she belonged. But just then a bird flew by.

"Nymph," said the bird, "why are you climbing down? Don't you know you are in the tree where you belong?"

"But I miss leopard and I am sad that he is cold!"

"He is cold because he has holes which he made himself long ago. He still has those holes and he can fill them anytime he wishes. He holds those holes in his fourth leg, which he keeps curled close to his belly so he can keep them safe."

"Why does he do this, wise bird? Doesn't he want to be warm? Doesn't he want four legs?"

"He has forgotten how to be solid. He has forgotten to walk without his tail. He is scared to be slow and heavy."

At this, nymph called out again to leopard, "Leopard! Leopard! Let down your fourth leg! You have your holes in them to fill your spots! You will be warm and be able to climb to be near me! I miss you and I want to be friends forever in the jungle!"

"I do not have a fourth leg, as I have told you. I do not have the holes to fill my spots. I am this way and I cannot be warm unless you come back. I am this way and I cannot climb."

This made nymph cry and cry. She know knew that leopard could climb and be warm, but that he was choosing not to. She cried and cried and repeated her plea. She cried and cried and asked him to just try.

He tried to climb with three legs. He tried to stuff his spots with leaves.

He would not let down the fourth leg. He would not replace the holes he had made.

Time went by and she stayed in the tree. Time went by and he stayed on the ground.

The weather got warmer and leopard felt better.

"I am not cold anymore nymph! I do not need to fill my spots!"

"But the weather will not always stay warm, leopard. And you still cannot climb without your fourth leg."

"You said you would help me, so help me now. I am ready for you to pull me up."

"I will gladly help you if you stuff your spots. I will gladly be your fourth leg forever."

"I do not want to stuff my spots. I do not have a fourth leg."

At this Nymph gave up. She climbed to the very top of the tree. She felt the wind on her face.

But she was still sad.

It would probably be a long time until she could be happy again.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Fary Scears.

I have too many fears. I have decided that this is the year to conquer them. I have already flown on a Mexican Airline over the ocean and survived. I have lost something that I never wanted to loose. Actually more than one. I am finally taking the math class that I have dreaded forever. I have stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out to people I don't know.

Next on the list:

  • Make art.
  • Get in shape. Yes, I'm thin. But I've never had one muscle that can do anything other than get me out of bed and open the fridge.
  • Get a responsible job and pay my own bills.
  • Enjoy alone time.
  • Fly in a spaceship.
  • Go to the Dentist.
  • Take a hip hop class.
  • Be naked in public. Just kidding.
  • Go on an upside down roller coaster.

Wish me luck.

Friday, February 6, 2009

My 25 Randoms

You gotta love Facebook.

1. I have three favorite childhood memories that I think about daily: laying on the grass looking at the sky, floating like a star in the pool (with the help of my Dad) and looking at the sky. and walking around the block at sundown on my Dad's shoulders looking at the sky.

2. I don't look at the sky as much as I should anymore.

3. My heart beats fast when I think about painting, dancing, writing, or sculpting things. I think that's a good sign I should do more of that stuff.

4. Warm toast with salty butter is most of what I eat these days. I'm lazy and broke and I just really like toast.

5. I have a tendency to gain weight around the middle, but nowhere else. If I let myself go I end up looking like Spongebob Squarepants.

6. I have a fascination with Patricia Arquette's teeth. I think she has the most attractive mouth. When I was a teenager I swore that someday I would get braces to push out my fangs and flatten my front teeth.

7. I have a goal to be as self-sufficient as possible by someday owning enough land to plant a garden and keep some chickens and cows.

8. I will someday build a tree house that is elaborate enough to fulfill all of my childhood yearnings. And it will put the Swiss Family Robinsons to shame.

9. I think The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn could be my favorite book of all time. I reread it every once in a while and it just reaffirms that fact.

10. I used to be more insecure about my looks, and as I get older I'm more insecure about my character. It's kinda funny because I actually get jealous of old people because they are so dang knowledgeable and have mastered themselves so much better than I have. I used to feel that way about the girl in the cool outfit.

11. I wish I was witty. I'm the most unfunny person I know.

12. I don't like being the center of attention, but sometimes I still get jealous if someone else is.

13. I'm trustworthy and a really good friend.

14. My hands have been old and wrinkly looking my whole life and I used to get free palm readings from a psychic in Santa Cruz every week because of it.

15. When I get really stressed out I have spider nightmares.

16. When I get really stressed out sometimes I still suck my thumb. Forget you know that.

17. I accidentally cooked my Blackberry a few weeks ago. Multitasking in the kitchen.

18. I have crushes on women. Not the kind you think. I'd rather study them and be their best friend then kiss them. Besides, as I've already mentioned most of them are ladies in their sixties.

19. I'm 29 and I still feel weird calling myself a woman. I think that says something about the society I was raised in.

20. I believe in modest dress and feel that it shows self-respect when you cover your body with adequate clothing, however I have urges to run around naked daily. I hope that in the celestial kingdom we will be so righteous-minded that we can all just be naked. Anyway, I can't really imagine a factory in heaven. Or a sewing machine.

21. I have tattoos and I wish I didn't.

22. I'm a former liberal feminist punk-rocker atheist who is now a member of the LDS church. Yeah, it's been a wild ride.

23. I wish every person on this earth could experience the peace that I felt the day I was baptized, and could know the knowledge and love found I found in the Temple.

24. I don't have a best friend. I have friends that are the best.

25. I am blessed.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


Sleep until noon.

Put on workout clothes.

Eat cereal.

See cookie recipe on rice milk carton.

Make cookies.

Work out for 20 minutes.

Eat cookies.

Go to computer to do homework.

Get on Facebook.

Get off Facebook to do homework.

Blog about what I'm doing instead of homework.

..........I want another cookie.

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Many, many years ago... in the days of fruit roll ups and friendship bracelets, I chose heroes. They were sparkly and pretty and sometimes they talked when you pushed a button. They were animated on Saturday mornings and they were in my books at night time and they snuggled with me when I was sad.

In the days of writing on your Keds and gossiping for attention, I chose heroes. They had pretty hair and sharp tongues and their Moms bought them Guess jeans. They were found in front of The Wall at lunch and they always bought their food from the snack bar.

In the days of Led Zeppelin and meeting at The Park for lunch, I chose heroes. They were pretty without trying, fashionable without fussing, and cooler than you could ever dream of being. They drove cars and drank and sometimes did both at the same time. They had tan lines and boyfriends who threw parties and knew the best place to get beer.

In the days of freedom from parents and splitting utilities, I chose heroes. They knew obscure bands and obscure thrift stores and held obscure political/social beliefs. They were "unique" with matching "look-at-me" hairstyles and converse shoes.

In the days of disillusionment, I looked around for heroes. I was in my early twenties and wanted to find something to believe in. I looked in bars and coffee shops and colleges and art galleries and ashrams and churches and books.

Skip forward.

Today, in the days where I know I am a child of God, I have more heroes than ever. I am overwhelmed at how many heroic people I witness every day. I am constantly in awe of them. They walk upright in spite of heavy burdens. They turn the other cheek. They sacrifice. They care. They forgo the excuse and they accept responsibility. They endure. They serve when they are weary. They laugh when they face trials. They cry when they need to. They overcome fears and barriers. And they do all this without sparkles. As a matter of fact, if you don't look close enough- if you aren't paying attention, you just might miss them. You have to train your eye to see them and to recognize them.

But they are everywhere and they are my heroes.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Bad. Bad. Bad Week.

Have you ever read the Iliad? Well, you know how the Gods are just so catty and emotionally unstable, but their decisions effect the lives of the mortals?

Ok, well I'm beginning to think that there really is some weird incestuous group of bipolar Gods who have decided my fate for the last week. I don't know what the hell I've done to offend them but maybe I should sacrifice a goat or something because I'm about to loose it.

I will give a short list of what I have been through in the last 5 days:

Stranded in Mexico with just the clothes on my back. Which ended up being little more than a bathing suit. No passport. No money. No phone.

Loosing expensive belongings on a cruise ship that I will never get back.

Getting a traffic violation ticket for something rediculous.

Loosing my wedding ring.

And some other really horrible occurances that are too private for a blog post.

So, grey-eyed Athena, lay off a bit.